Something to think about...
trans, bob, yumi, brown dress
 “Make a radical change in your lifestyle & begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances & yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, & conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, & hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new & different sun. If you want to get more out of life, you must lose your inclination for monotonous security & adopt a helter-skelter style of life that will at first appear to you to be crazy. But once you become accustomed to such a life you will see its full meaning & its incredible beauty.” — Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild.

trans, bob, yumi, brown dress
 Well, here I am again. I haven't been posting lately but that doesn't mean that I had been idle hee. This week was quite eventful as I had a chance to hang out with iraenicole and ohka15 for the first time. We also had a chance to meet her puppies at her parent's house as she was house-sitting and enjoying a short work vacation. We had fun there, we got to watch Batman Begins, played lots of Rock Band and got a chance to play a long session of Monopoly where I assessed my really bad skills to deal and trade with other players (Cutie is such a greedy monster, but that's OK because she is beautiful). This week was my turn to cook, so after running out of ideas I went ahead and prepared something tried and tested for me: Mexican food. I cooked a Mexican-styled rice with green peas, corn and chopped carrots and prepared a beef and potato "guisado" made with tomato and jalapeño sauce. It came out all right (me thinks :P) but noticed that I made a lot, so now I know for next time. Hopefully Cutie liked it enough to eat for lunch at work :P. Nicole and I went to the rock-climbing gym yesterday. This time I wanted to dress a little bit more butchy so I put on my camouflage crop pants, a dark green tank top and a camo head bandana lol. Still, I had a hard time with my confidence and was scared of falling even though belayed ropes are safe by design. I was only able to complete a 5.8 course all the way to the top that I haven't tried before; I felt good about that one because the beginning looked weird but I managed to move my legs well (it was one of those "wow I did that??" moments). Still Nicole is the amazing one as always. After rock climbing we went to Academy and she bought  a wrist-strengthening gyro gadget. I liked it a lot too so I might get one as I could use a little more wrist strength and coordination. 

I received $100 from my grandparents in Japan last week and after reading their little note, this is supposed to be for my upcoming birthday on September. I am thinking about buying some high-end earphones and I had been thinking about these Etymotic ER-6i. These are a downgrade from what I am used to but my budget is lower now so I guess I should do good with these for now (besides their frequency response balance looks sweet on paper). Earlier this year my brother broke my beloved Ultimate Ears 5 Pro by throwing them with his cello bow to a wall and now the right earphone sounds distorted :(. I miss them a lot because I used to listen to music for meditation and relaxation purposes. They cost me a lot when I bought them and even ordered a custom cable for them. I guess that's a part of his education. He already crashed my car once and broke my nice in ear monitors; I hope his destructive attitude towards my personal property will be reversed after these events. >:(

Next week Cutie and I will be attending the Texas Nondiscrimination Transgender Summit @ Rice University. In addition to improving policies regarding trans people in colleges and universities, it looks like this is going to be fun and we might meet interesting people as well. 

In about two weeks more Nicole and I are planning to go to San Antonio and spend a little mini-vacation together. I am going to tell my mom about it tomorrow. I am mostly certain she is going to be opposed to it, mainly because I am going to leave the house to spend a couple of days with a girl (she thinks of us as a straight couple) and also because of my expired immigration documents. No matter what I am planning to have a lot of fun together. 

HRT and needles
trans, bob, yumi, brown dress
Ugh I had a hard time doing my intramuscular injection today. I think I was more scared and nervous than the first time I did it XD but I managed well and did it after many many failed attempts. Last week it was so easy and painless but this time it was hard, I guess I was not in the right mind set. Is this normal? The fear I felt was very similar to the fear I manifested when rock climbing with cutie. Tomorrow we will be going in the afternoon, so we'll see hee. Have you ever felt that you had conquered a fear or a phobia to later meet it once again? How did you deal with it?

Jenga, Star Wars Episode II & Identity Fights
trans, bob, yumi, brown dress
I had a long day today. It all began when my mom decided to burn incense throughout the house and praying. I am not talking about the thin sticks of incense that you buy in the stores but I am talking about the type that is commonly used in Catholic church: burning charcoal blocks and a adding a variety of aromatic wood resins and ground seeds. I like the aroma of the incense and I even was helping my mom with the burning and praying, but things changed when she went into my room. My mom opened my closet and placed the incense burner inside so that all my clothes would get smoked, literally. I was kind of bothered by that and I let it go, but then she opened my drawer where I have my underwear and placed the burner there! By that time I was pissed mainly because she just opened my drawers without even asking and because I don't want my underwear to smell like Sunday mass. In addition I kind of freaked out that she would start opening the other drawers and find out where I have my girl clothes and my injectable hormones. I let her know immediately about my discontent and my mom took it as an attack since she was praying and putting positive energy into what she was doing. I told her that she was disrespecting my space and privacy and that I didn't like the smell of incense on my clothes but she became enraged and kicked me out of my own room. I got out angry at her response and I dismissed my fear of her finding my transition related stuff. I told to myself "It is what it is, if she finds something and confronts me it would be time for me to explain things." She finished doing her thing and got out of my room but didn't say a word.

I had neglected picking up the mail at our box for about two weeks now and found out today when I went to pick it up that the mail was returned to their senders. I guess I am the only one that picks up the mail even though none of the correspondence is directed at me. I guess I'll ask the post office about it tomorrow.

Later in the day cutie picked me up and went to eat burgers at Fuddruckers. After dinner, we went to Walmart to buy Jenga to play at Ohka's. Then we went to Wallgreen's to get some cutie candy and I bought a new pair of plaid-styled black flip-flops since I broke the green ones I was wearing. I also exchanged a mousse concealer that I bought a couple of weeks ago but chose the wrong skin tone and the cashier was really cool and didn't make a big deal out of it and was able to get the correct one. Finally, we went to Ohka's place to hang out with her.

I had fun at Ohka's, we played Jenga and managed to build a 32-story tower. The end is always so dramatic because it was really unstable and I had to take difficult pieces from the middle that had structural weight support. However I used my amazing tapping skills XD to remove these difficult pieces and left Ohka with an incredible loose structure that fell on her turn. It's been a long time since I've played a board game and enjoyed it.

The 32 story Jenga tower before its collapse

The wimpy base :P

Ohka trying to figure out the last move

i was running out of choices :P

Amazing cutie concentrating

We then watched Star Wars Episode II. I liked the movie even though the characters where arrogant at times :P My mom called my cell in the middle of the movie and yelled at me about the post office incident. I was all calm enjoying the movie and she managed to get some arguments from me but then we just hung up on each other.

Cutie brought me back home at 12am and I could feel the tension from my family. They were barely eating the soup I made a couple of days ago and were about to engage in an argument. My mom started yelling and demanded that we respect her. She disliked that I interrupted her prayer in the morning because of the incense incident in my room and because my brother didn't cleaned our puppie's place. She also criticized me for "being someone that I am not". She said that lately I had been acting and expressing myself as if I was trying to emulate Nicole and yelled at me "Be yourself!" It's true that i had been more vocal about expressing myself and that is because i am finally becoming more comfortable doing so. I told my mom that she still doesn't know me that well from making an assumption of who I am and she defended herself with the "I am your mother, I know what you are, what you feel and what you think". Basically she was assigning my identity on her ideals. She told me she watched me grow up and that I will only understand when I become a father. :P Anyway I couldn't agree with her more, I need to be myself! XD I managed to bring down the yells to a conversation and let my mom know of my dislike of her opening my drawers and acknowledged the fact that I neglected checking the mail, but then also made clear that it is something we all have to do, not just my "duty". I had been able to relate more to my mom and understand why she feels so frustrated and angry at everyone. It sounds clicheish, but I don't know if it's because of the way I think now with the effects of estrogen in my brain or because I empathize with her as a woman. Back then it was all about yelling at each other and competing arguments, but now i try to be more empathetic towards everyone and don't take things too personal. My mom was even discrediting my dad's parenting abilities because "he is not in the house" and I caught her right there and pointed it out that she is being unfair. The three things that i learned from this conversation: I need to be more of myself, check the mail more often and empathy does wonders in a heated argument.

I just wondered throughout the whole arguing with my mom, does she really know what's going on in my mind and how I identify myself? My identity has changed so much and is always changing dynamically that even myself have stopped trying to have a close mindset of who I am, I don't understand why other persons would do that to me.

Aquarium, zoo, rock climbing and short movie review.
trans, bob, yumi, brown dress
For most people, Monday represents the beginning of the week and it usually comes charged with routines, driving, working, school and errands. In my case, being unemployed (not by choice though :P) and having a girlfriend that has an unusual Monday & Tuesday or Tuesday & Wednesday weekend have allowed me to experience things that I have never experienced before. My mom really values staying in with the family on the weekends so that we could mingle and do stuff together such as cleaning the house or go to eat out and talk about the week. While I usually disagree with my mom on most things this is one of the few things that I respect her ideologies about the importance of "family time". So in a way, I am thankful and lucky to have a girlfriend that has a peculiar weekend because I can hang out with her without having conflicts with my mom over "family reserved time".

On Tuesday, cutie and I went to the Houston Downtown Aquarium and the zoo. I am not going to go into detail because cutie did an excellent job in her post so if you want to know more about Tuesday and the things we saw you can see her recent journal post. Even though I also really liked the ocelot just like Nicole, I must admit that I was intrigued by the cassowary. It was the first time I've ever seen one in real life and really liked the hair-like feathers and enormous eyes. Being a biologist myself, I felt as if i was watching a living testimony of biological evolution.

Nicole and I riding the train at the Shark ride.

I believe that the aquarium designers kept lighting low in the exhibits to enhance the feeling of deep sea immersion of its visitors, unfortunately this makes still photography difficult and using flash on glass covered exhibits is not feasible. So instead, I used the movie mode in my digital camera and shot a variety of short video footage. I had fun editing the video in Windows Movie Maker and found out a free royalty free music site  that allows you to download music for your projects at no cost. Here is the video if you want to watch it:

Yesterday I also spent some time with cutie. Since it was Wednesday, the Texas Rock Gym allows members such as cutie to bring guests for free. I am learning a lot about myself climbing these rope courses. Nicole is so good at climbing and always amazes me the speed at which she climbs and her ability to reach to the top with smooth controlled body movements. Now, I consider myself physically apt for climbing to the top on easier courses and even though this is my second day trying on rock climbing I learned that rock climbing is a very mental sport. At the beginning I was so pumped up and felt with a lot of drive and enthusiasm about climbing but once I was climbing midway through the courses I experienced a kind of mental blockage that manifested through emotions at the end. I was frustrated because I know my fear is irrational. Cutie said that with time, it will become easier and I seriously hope so. When I was climbing and there were difficult parts where I got stuck I would start thinking on the many things in my life where I am stuck and scared as well. At the end, I felt like such a wimp and almost cried because I couldn't finish the course in its entirety. I have come to realize that I have to clear my mind and focus so I can complete the courses, hopefully if we go again next week I'll do better.

The guy that gave us the initial class was there and gave me a free shoe rental again, yay! He came to check on us in one of the courses and mentioned that I climb like a guy and that I have a lot of power in my lower body XD and said something about my strong calves lol.

Here are some pictures from the beginning before I messed myself up:

Nicole showing me how to climb the course before me, she is amazing!

Picture taken by the wall and camera's self-timer.

This was taken after we climbed up the bouldering rock, where we took a break

After being there for about two hours, cutie and I went to eat at Freebirds and I had a yummy hybrid chicken burrito on cayenne tortilla and cutie had a steak quesadilla. We are so Mexican now XD, I only wished that they had the Tabasco smoked chipotle sauce that you can find in Mission Burrito, but the green salsa was ok too. After eating cutie went to fill up her gas tank at HEB while I went to Chase Bank to make a deposit to my dad's account. Some creepy guys in an old red car stopped in the middle of the road when I was crossing the street and stared at me, but I ignored them, pigs.  Once in the bank. the banker asked me if I wanted to join their card rewards program since my card is the one used for most of the purchases and I said yes. She was really nice and mentioned that she usually asks women to join the program because 'men don't buy anything, they just eat". Talk about experiencing sexism :S

Cutie then invited me home to watch a movie she got from Netflix called "The Amazing Truth About Queen Raquela". It was an interesting documentary-drama of a ladyboy from the Philippines. It was interesting to hear about the protagonist experiences and how she identifies within the context of her culture. The documentary also demonstrates how the American porn industry is exploiting this segment of the population in order to make profit. At the beginning, the film was mainly about the portrayal of ladyboy prostitution, then Raquela's involvement in webcam work,and concludes with her travel to Iceland and her dream of going to Paris where she meets with Mikael, the really asshole American man that manages the internet porn company where Raquela works.

Some of Raquela's dialogue bothered me. She said "I want many guys to screw me so I can feel like a woman" and in a nursing school interview she had she said that her dream was to find a guy, get married and have a family. While I don't have anything against these things, it troubled me to think that anyone, whether male or female at birth, would think that being screwed by many guys is what constitutes being a woman. I have read about trans women writing in blogs that they would have dreamed of being raised as girls even if that meant being oppressed and abused. Cutie and I speculated that maybe these feelings are distorted feminine ideologies influenced by culture. I always try to keep an open mind to people's experiences and realities but I can't help to feel bad about these people if they feel that way, but then I am a feminist and I am of course biased... to equality, respect and tolerance. I just feel like while the movie might be an honest portrayal of the life of a ladyboy in the Philippines, the movie might send the message that all trans women elsewhere feel like this and have the same aspirations and is asking for radical feminists to attack our trans community as well.

Enough of the movie. I am really grateful to have Nicole in my life because being with her has allowed me to be more introspective and critical in issues of gender and sexuality and that has had positive influences in my own life as well. Long post so far so I'll stop here. Hope all of you have a great weekend!

Yumi <3

What and why am I even here?
trans, bob, yumi, brown dress

Yesterday, cutie and I spend the evening together. We went shopping at the mall and then went to Club Numbers for Classic 80's night after picking up my friend Paige at her house. Also Nicole's mom saw me all dressed up and she took pictures of both of us before leaving her house, which made me feel a little weird because she has always seen me in boy's clothes but then cutie told me she thought I dressed in a feminine manner so I guess I shouldn't have felt that way. The night was good, cutie and I danced for a little bit and lots of kissing :P. We ended up leaving by 12:30 because we were super tired and wanted to go home.

Today, wow I wish I didn't wake up today. My mom yelled at me the whole morning because I didn't help her dig holes, shovel soil and mulch and remove grass for HER landscaping project. She complained to me that I am solely thinking about Nicole (which is true) and demanded me that I should prioritize my family and home before anything else. Even though I told her I invited Nicole to go out to my friend Gilbert's bday thing at Numbers. She even went on to say that one day she would do something to Nicole to make me look bad to her. I told her that's her problem and that the only person that would look bad was her. I told her "atrevete", try me and you will see how bad and fucked up of a person I could be.

I left everybody there at the dining room and went upstairs with my chin up. I had other more important things in my mind than arguing with an irrational being. Today was the Katy ISD Teachers Fair. I got ready and pulled my suit, my ties and a gray shirt out of the closet. It's one of the occasions where I have to really hide the fact that I am queer to not jeopardize my chances to get a job due to discrimination. I removed my earrings and styled my hair so that it didn't hide my face or my ears. I hate to dress like this because it doesn't represent my gender identity nor expression but then I took a deep breath looked myself in the mirror and told myself "I look sharp, I got to do this to be able to do what I need to do" I drove out of the house and my mom was there planning her garden thing with ropes and my dad was wearing gloves and a cap. On the way there I try to prepare myself mentally and gain confidence. I am young, I am highly qualified and certified in my subject area and have had previous teaching experience at the university level. Nothing can go wrong. I am envisioning about getting a job close to home where I will be able to regain my lawful status with a work visa/permit and earn a comfortable $44K annual salary. I could rent an apartment and live with cutie and I could surely pay my school loan and credit card debts within a year and pay for facial hair removal and getting my teeth fixed with that salary. You go girl you can do it.

I got out of the car and checked my reflection at the building's tall glass and tell myself "I am ready to go". The place was full of people. There were lots of young professional people like me. They looked very nice with their portfolios and resumes in hand and nice interview-ready clothes, just like mine. I should be OK competing against these people, I thought.

I went to the first station, the human resources table near the entrance of the stadium and greeted the representative with my most sincere smile. I explain her my qualifications and what I am looking for. She looked at me and maybe because of my non-American accent she asked me if I obtained my degree from a US university. I respond in a positive manner and tell her that I am certified to teach in my content area for the high school level. She then asked me about my eligibility to work in the US. I told her that I am on an international student visa and the first word that came out of her mouth was "unfortunately" and from there my hopes dropped deep down to the ground. Basically she told me that Katy ISD 's hiring policies didn't allow sponsoring work visas to immigrants on temporary visas (which is me). She then apologized, told me in a nice manner not to waste my time in there as I will not be able to get hired and wished me good luck. Before leaving, she told me to apply when I get a permanent resident visa. I went to my car with a blank face, trying to maintain my composure. Once I was inside the car, I turned the engine and the A/C on and from there I let my emotions take care of my mental garbage by crying tears.

I am qualified but I am not eligible, is not their fault but neither is mine. I then saw the picture I took there at the stadium and saw all the men and women bringing out the best of them to try to influence young people's minds. They looked so comfortable and confident enjoying their for-granted gender expression and privileges. I then think what am I even doing here where I don't belong? Who am I if I can't be myself?

I don't want to exist.
I was thinking about how last week when performing my weekly estradiol injection I went through a blood vessel and had a short ischemia/emboli event as the oil was passing through my brain and capillaries. I shortly thought about harming myself. Maybe I could end all of this; I mean there is no place for me, why should I even bother? Stupid me, I thought about the people I care, Nicole, my family. I won’t do it, maybe I just fell too low and it’s normal to feel this way.  

I came back home and my mom wanted to give me a hug but she is the last person I want to hug in the world at this moment. I had been bringing and unloading mulch and soil in my uncle’s truck. I am tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I wish I could erase this day but time only runs in one direction and the day is almost over.

A busy day
trans, bob, yumi, brown dress
Phew! I am so tired! Nonetheless, I feel accomplished so that's what counts :)

Yesterday Nicole and I didn't feel like going out. I was kinda busy helping my neighbor by taking him to the surgery center as he had pins installed in two of his right metacarpals due to fracture. I also experienced dysphoria throughout the day :(  which made it hard for me to show my "happy I am ok face" to my mom and she thought that I was mad at her. I was actually mad at me for being such a coward, for not standing for what i believe and who I am, so my mom and I ended up yelling at each other as usual without any positive conclusion. We cooked chicken soup at home to give to our neighbor as well to help him in his recovery and then I went to the gym with my brother to play racquetball. I owe my life to racquetball because when I step into the court and start smashing the ball I forget about the bad feelings I have and focus on the game. I played consistent and tactically and had a good workout too so that eased my day somewhat.

Today was a little better, I woke up with a better attitude especially since I knew that I was going to meet my sweetie. Cutie picked me up at 11:10 (which was weird because she is always punctual) and went to the movies to watch "Kick Ass". The movie was good even though we figured that the main character of the movie was really Hit Girl. After the movie, we went to Chick-Fil-A where I ate some nuggets and a side salad with my usual water and lemons :P. Lastly we went to Target. I only got night moisturizer and Nicole got some cute black shoes. I wanted to check the shoe section because I wanted to buy some everyday wear flats and maybe some small hoop earrings to replace my starter studs. I didn't get any of these because I couldn't find shoes my size (12, grr I hate my feet) and they didn't have the simple hoop earrings I was looking for either. We stopped by the library to drop off and pick up some books for cutie's dad and then she took me back home because I was going to help my mom with landscaping.

Ugh, landscaping. So we had my uncle's pick up truck bed filled up with a yard of soil that had to be unloaded and taken to the back of the house. I had to shovel and pull the grass out of the soil from the back of the house. The area we worked on is about the size of a car and a half, which took forever to cleanup. We then unloaded the soil, planted five trees, and placed decorative stones around the edges. We finished by 11 pm. Even though I did a lot of physical work (shoveling, unloading, etc) I was glad my brother was helping us out as he is older and stronger as  I am not as strong as I used to be. My mom and dad got on my nerves several times because they lift improperly with their backs instead of using their legs. If they get hurt, the hassle would fall on me. All in all I got my workout for the day by doing the hard work in the garden.

My mom was annoying since the beginning. Since I pretty much let her know of my feminist ideals every chance I get, she put on her pink gardening gloves and told me "look son I wear pink because I am THE woman" and started laughing. At first I thought she was joking but then I noticed she was serious about it. I thought it was weird looking at my mom, a grown up woman be so sexist and blindly falling on gender stereotypes and then being reassuring about it. At least I am getting to know what I am up to when I come out. I will probably will not be "womyn enough" in her eyes. Meh, I shouldn't sweat about it, after all she is the only person I've heard saying in Spanish"  "I am glad I don't speak English that way I wouldn't have to curse at people in their language" Translation: "I am fine being an ignorant and I don't care" ugh ugh and ugh.

6 Months!
trans, bob, yumi, brown dress

This Tuesday Nicole and I spent most of the day as we celebrated being 6 months together. We could argue that we had been together for less time due to my mom’s tendency to take over my life and my time and Nicole’s problematical work schedule. But the truth of the matter is that it feels like it has been more than 6 months and I hope that I could spend many-many 6 months and anniversaries with her. I consider myself fortunate to be able to form part of her amazing life and could not express with words the magnitude of the love that I have for her.

We started our day around noon and cutie picked me up at my house. She looked gorgeous and she wore the same cute black flowery dress she wore on our first date. I wore my usual button-up shirt and jeans outfit so I was the butch one hee. We went to Ooh La La, the same place where cutie asked me out and she ordered a yummy cheesecake that we shared and her usual Dr. Pibb and I ordered an iced chai tea latte but this time the barista made it a bit too sweet for my taste.

After our coffee stop we went to the mall to an arcade place at the mall. We started by playing ice hockey were Nicole cheated because her side was protected by a puck-grabbing side which made it difficult for me to score points but then again I would’ve lost anyway because I was distracted by her cuteness. We played several shooting games, racing games and a couple of those games where you get tickets for exchanging for prices. We got nine and were able to exchange them for a little blue semispherical toy that you push in inwards to place on a flat surface to jump. I was so sweaty and agitated by that time so we decided to leave and went to see shoes in a newly opened store and then proceeded to go to Books-A-Million. We looked at books about running and comics and then found out a New Age section where we read a page of a book called “Sextrology”. It was kind of nice seeing that the book covered male and female sexes and gay and straight relationships. I learned from reading our “Cancer Woman & Virgo Woman” respective section that cutie is semisadistic XD and that I shall make sweetie resonate like an instrument using my hands and mouth on her. I’ve been trying different wind, percussion and string instruments approach on her arm since reading that but she hasn’t resonated yet so maybe I have to improve my technique lol.

Next stop was Babins, the same Louisiana style seafood restaurant we went exactly six months ago. I had Pasta di Mare and cutie ordered fried jumbo shrimp and fries. When we finished eating I gave Nicole a little silver heart locket that looked really cute with her outfit. We then departed towards the Hobby Center where we were going to see “In The Heights” at 8pm. The trip was nice because we took a scenic route (Memorial Drive) and saw lots of people running. Parking was cheap and easy and went inside to get our tickets and enter the building. Since we had 30 minutes to spare we entered a nice empty red carpeted room where we danced (badly XD) and kissed and cuddled.

The Hobby Center for Performing Arts is my new favorite place. The theatre had gender neutral restrooms in every floor that were always available and employees were very genderqueerish with females wearing tuxes XD. After being called in, the show started and we were greeted by sense indulgence. This was my first musical attendance and really enjoyed it. The live music was amazing; the sound quality of the theatre was excellent. There was lots of Spanglish, singing and dancing. The lighting was really entertaining too and featured acts of day, night, sunsets and even an indoor party with a blackout (the first moments we thought it was a real blackout XD).

The show ended at around 10:30 and cutie took me home. All in all, these six months concluded with a great day with Nicole. I experienced a state of euphoria with Nicole when we were at the Founder’s Room and couldn’t even hold my tears away. These had been an amazing six month relationship where I have learned so much about loving another person. I even learned that I could love myself because I am so happy when I am with Nicole. At first I thought that I would never be able to love and be loved until I transitioned or until I was full time but cutie proved me wrong. Usually I hear people in the trans community be mad about their life situation and say things like “I am so unlucky to be like this, why can’t I be just normal?”  They are wrong. Today I can say that I am the luckiest woman and I won’t take things for granted. Thank you Nicole, my love, for teaching me how to live with a smile and joy in my heart.

Gay adoption in Mexico City debate at home
trans, bob, yumi, brown dress
Last week it was an interesting week for me because I got a chance to understand how fucked up people can get in their minds. I was watching TV with my mom one morning (something I usually don't do because I don't like television shows targeted towards lower class conservative Hispanic housewives) and i saw Mexican singer Paquita la del Barrio talking about her opinion about the allowance of gay marriage and adoption rights in Mexico City. Paquita la del Barrio is a lady that sings "rancheras" which is kind of like folk music in Mexico. Her lyrics talk about misandry and she has become famous by her phrase "¿Me estás oyendo, inútil?" which roughly translates into: "Are you listening, worthless scumbag?" obviously talking to men. She is usually associated with feminism as her lyrics usually empower women, but last I checked feminism was about gender equality and not about hate towards men.

Anyway, what has made a lot of controversy about what she said and you can read about here, is the fact that she declared that, in addition to disagreeing with gay marriage, she said that she would rather see a child die of hunger in the streets than seeing a child be adopted to a gay couple. She went on to say that she would even prefer to see her own child dead! Now, I really think that she is exclusively thinking about gay men and not lesbian couples. There has been a lot of debates on national shows in Mexico and here in the US about her statements, some regarding her opinion as respectable and others as totally unacceptable. Later Univision made an interesting poll that asked if you agreed or disagreed with Paquita la del Barrio's ideas. About 80% voted agreed while the rest disagreed, which are expected results based on the audience demographics.

What do I believe? I am a trans lesbian woman, Hispanic, and raised catholic by my family , so I am super queer and biased but let me explain what her statements entail to my community affiliations. Her opinion is very understandable and respectable to a point, I am not going to deny that conservative people have a right to disagree with gay couple child adoptions, but when does wishing death to a orphan child is a right  under any circumstances!? Her statement became a hateful remark with hints of homophobia, misandry and most importantly misopedia.

Now, I don't mind an old woman with questionable moral logic to inflict hate on national television (never mind, I actually do), but I got so mad when my mom clapped her hands loudly and yelled "I agree with you Paquita". I then engaged with a heated argument with my mom in response to her reaction. My mom got to the point where she couldn't explain rationally or logically why she agrees, started talking about her own childhood and how she was exposed to sexual harassment as a girl and even cried for the fate of orphan kids when she said "How would I feel if I was an orphan girl picked up by two putos (fags)?"

Lots of things were going in my mind, from the sadness to hear my own mother being so blinded by her fears and the fact that I haven't come out to her. I related with her though, that her fear to understand and accept social realities is the same fear that i have to not come out to her in the first place. She explained that the kids would be bullied at school for having two fathers (she always used a gay male couple as examples) and I explained to her that the problem is not the gay couple family but the bullying and social diseases based on fabricated moralities. I believe Catholicism is to blame here. In Mexico, the catholic church sends mixed teachings of loving each other while at the same time hating everybody else that is not catholic and heteronormative.

I went on to tell my mom that perhaps a gay orphan kid might find a perfect home in a queer family and this was the only time my mom agreed but then she applied a rule that the kid has to be old enough to understand this. What is this age she is talking about? She says 15, which only gives 3 years before reaching legal adulthood in Mexico. Oh well at least there was a compromise in her attitudes but not in her beliefs.

I feel terrible though, makes me think that my mom is never going to accept my reality, which is sad, but then ever since I came out to myself I thought of the idea of losing my family as very plausible since the beginning, hence the reason of me being in the closet at the moment. It sucks but oh well, it's how it is.

Now back for real.
trans, bob, yumi, brown dress

Hey livejournal, I am back from a writing hiatus after my short introduction :P I had been thinking lately to start writing more often about my life experiences and what things are going through my mind. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by so many things that I consider this to be a good thing for me. 

Anyway, I have a weird life that a lot of people don’t get to experience. I am still living with my parents and had been looking for employment for a little bit over a year. On 2009, I was invited to about 5 interviews so far from biomedical researcher to science teacher but I didn’t hear back from them. It seems that everything goes great with my application and credentials and qualifications, but every time they ask me about my US work authorization it seems like the door closes for me as this puts additional bureaucratic burden and investment in the employers part in order for me to get hired here in the US. Oh well, I blame it on the “recession” even though I know is not. Sometimes I think that I am being subject of discrimination of some sort but I don’t want to think that way since I like to think that I am in control of the things that I can change hopefully to improve myself and not become subject to victimization.

On a more positive note, last year was the year that I officially started hormone replacement therapy, prescribed by Dr. J. Garza at the HACS clinic in Houston with a fairly low dosage to be safe but with satisfactory results so far. It’s been a little over a year now and I like the subtle effects they have had in my body and mind. I have decent breast growth which is great but still small for my big body frame and small enough that I can hide under clothes when I am still presenting as male. *sighs, the closet sucks big time* My skin is softer and body hair seems to re-grow slower than pre-HRT. I am more aware of my emotions now as well which seem to be a good thing since I had always internalized everything. Lastly, my weight has been stable for the most part since I’ve been working out to manage my weight but I’ve seen a considerable change in body shape, not where I want to be but enough to notice it.

Last year I also met my sweetie Nicole, Boy I feel like I am in the clouds when I am with her. I love her so much. She means so much to me and I also have a profound admiration to her since she is so smart, lovely and cute. Our relationship seems great and going stronger with time but I sometimes feel like I am falling short because of my current situation. Maybe I am totally wrong but I feel like I can’t offer my sweetie anything to the relationship. I am a trans woman of color (as she calls me sometimes heehee), unemployed, in the closet and undocumented immigrant. All I can give her right now is the most profound love from deep in my heart.  

Transition-wise I think I’m stuck. While I am on HRT and experiencing physical and social changes, I can’t ignore the fact that nothing has changed at home and in my career/personal life. I like to think that things are going to be better as soon as I find a job that sponsors my work visa to stay legally in the US and that I would be able to hopefully move out to my own place (and hopefully with Nicole!) and get out of bad debt. I like to think that I would be able to transition legally as well by changing my name and documents, but as for now it seems like it will be forever for me to achieve. If anything I worry more about coming out at home right now and I kind of set a mental goal for this year.

Currently, my activities are walk the neighbor’s dog (which earns me $40 each month), play racquetball when I can go to the gym, learn more classical guitar solos and drive around as my brother’s and mom’s chauffer. I know… lame. The only real thing going on in my life is my relationship with Nicole.  Today we went to eat at Baba Yegas and had a yummy 12 oz steak, I had salad and sweetie had fries which I always steal because of my perpetual desire of having sauce in my life. We thought that we were going to have a meeting with the Helping Transgender Anonymous group but it turned out to be a social dinner thing. We met mostly with older trans women which was cool, we didn’t talk much though as we don’t know them well yet but hopefully that’ll change in the near future. It seems that we will be going to the MUSE concert this Thursday at the Toyota Center so yay for that. Allright I think that seems enough for me for tonight, I promise you, livejournal tree, to keep you refreshed with new word nutrients more often from now on.


Log in