Yesterday, cutie and I spend the evening together. We went shopping at the mall and then went to Club Numbers for Classic 80's night after picking up my friend Paige at her house. Also Nicole's mom saw me all dressed up and she took pictures of both of us before leaving her house, which made me feel a little weird because she has always seen me in boy's clothes but then cutie told me she thought I dressed in a feminine manner so I guess I shouldn't have felt that way. The night was good, cutie and I danced for a little bit and lots of kissing :P. We ended up leaving by 12:30 because we were super tired and wanted to go home.
Today, wow I wish I didn't wake up today. My mom yelled at me the whole morning because I didn't help her dig holes, shovel soil and mulch and remove grass for HER landscaping project. She complained to me that I am solely thinking about Nicole (which is true) and demanded me that I should prioritize my family and home before anything else. Even though I told her I invited Nicole to go out to my friend Gilbert's bday thing at Numbers. She even went on to say that one day she would do something to Nicole to make me look bad to her. I told her that's her problem and that the only person that would look bad was her. I told her "atrevete", try me and you will see how bad and fucked up of a person I could be.
I left everybody there at the dining room and went upstairs with my chin up. I had other more important things in my mind than arguing with an irrational being. Today was the Katy ISD Teachers Fair. I got ready and pulled my suit, my ties and a gray shirt out of the closet. It's one of the occasions where I have to really hide the fact that I am queer to not jeopardize my chances to get a job due to discrimination. I removed my earrings and styled my hair so that it didn't hide my face or my ears. I hate to dress like this because it doesn't represent my gender identity nor expression but then I took a deep breath looked myself in the mirror and told myself "I look sharp, I got to do this to be able to do what I need to do" I drove out of the house and my mom was there planning her garden thing with ropes and my dad was wearing gloves and a cap. On the way there I try to prepare myself mentally and gain confidence. I am young, I am highly qualified and certified in my subject area and have had previous teaching experience at the university level. Nothing can go wrong. I am envisioning about getting a job close to home where I will be able to regain my lawful status with a work visa/permit and earn a comfortable $44K annual salary. I could rent an apartment and live with cutie and I could surely pay my school loan and credit card debts within a year and pay for facial hair removal and getting my teeth fixed with that salary. You go girl you can do it.
I got out of the car and checked my reflection at the building's tall glass and tell myself "I am ready to go". The place was full of people. There were lots of young professional people like me. They looked very nice with their portfolios and resumes in hand and nice interview-ready clothes, just like mine. I should be OK competing against these people, I thought.
I went to the first station, the human resources table near the entrance of the stadium and greeted the representative with my most sincere smile. I explain her my qualifications and what I am looking for. She looked at me and maybe because of my non-American accent she asked me if I obtained my degree from a US university. I respond in a positive manner and tell her that I am certified to teach in my content area for the high school level. She then asked me about my eligibility to work in the US. I told her that I am on an international student visa and the first word that came out of her mouth was "unfortunately" and from there my hopes dropped deep down to the ground. Basically she told me that Katy ISD 's hiring policies didn't allow sponsoring work visas to immigrants on temporary visas (which is me). She then apologized, told me in a nice manner not to waste my time in there as I will not be able to get hired and wished me good luck. Before leaving, she told me to apply when I get a permanent resident visa. I went to my car with a blank face, trying to maintain my composure. Once I was inside the car, I turned the engine and the A/C on and from there I let my emotions take care of my mental garbage by crying tears.
I am qualified but I am not eligible, is not their fault but neither is mine. I then saw the picture I took there at the stadium and saw all the men and women bringing out the best of them to try to influence young people's minds. They looked so comfortable and confident enjoying their for-granted gender expression and privileges. I then think what am I even doing here where I don't belong? Who am I if I can't be myself?
I don't want to exist.
I was thinking about how last week when performing my weekly estradiol injection I went through a blood vessel and had a short ischemia/emboli event as the oil was passing through my brain and capillaries. I shortly thought about harming myself. Maybe I could end all of this; I mean there is no place for me, why should I even bother? Stupid me, I thought about the people I care, Nicole, my family. I won’t do it, maybe I just fell too low and it’s normal to feel this way.
I came back home and my mom wanted to give me a hug but she is the last person I want to hug in the world at this moment. I had been bringing and unloading mulch and soil in my uncle’s truck. I am tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I wish I could erase this day but time only runs in one direction and the day is almost over.
This Tuesday Nicole and I spent most of the day as we celebrated being 6 months together. We could argue that we had been together for less time due to my mom’s tendency to take over my life and my time and Nicole’s problematical work schedule. But the truth of the matter is that it feels like it has been more than 6 months and I hope that I could spend many-many 6 months and anniversaries with her. I consider myself fortunate to be able to form part of her amazing life and could not express with words the magnitude of the love that I have for her.
We started our day around noon and cutie picked me up at my house. She looked gorgeous and she wore the same cute black flowery dress she wore on our first date. I wore my usual button-up shirt and jeans outfit so I was the butch one hee. We went to Ooh La La, the same place where cutie asked me out and she ordered a yummy cheesecake that we shared and her usual Dr. Pibb and I ordered an iced chai tea latte but this time the barista made it a bit too sweet for my taste.
After our coffee stop we went to the mall to an arcade place at the mall. We started by playing ice hockey were Nicole cheated because her side was protected by a puck-grabbing side which made it difficult for me to score points but then again I would’ve lost anyway because I was distracted by her cuteness. We played several shooting games, racing games and a couple of those games where you get tickets for exchanging for prices. We got nine and were able to exchange them for a little blue semispherical toy that you push in inwards to place on a flat surface to jump. I was so sweaty and agitated by that time so we decided to leave and went to see shoes in a newly opened store and then proceeded to go to Books-A-Million. We looked at books about running and comics and then found out a New Age section where we read a page of a book called “Sextrology”. It was kind of nice seeing that the book covered male and female sexes and gay and straight relationships. I learned from reading our “Cancer Woman & Virgo Woman” respective section that cutie is semisadistic XD and that I shall make sweetie resonate like an instrument using my hands and mouth on her. I’ve been trying different wind, percussion and string instruments approach on her arm since reading that but she hasn’t resonated yet so maybe I have to improve my technique lol.
Next stop was Babins, the same Louisiana style seafood restaurant we went exactly six months ago. I had Pasta di Mare and cutie ordered fried jumbo shrimp and fries. When we finished eating I gave Nicole a little silver heart locket that looked really cute with her outfit. We then departed towards the Hobby Center where we were going to see “In The Heights” at 8pm. The trip was nice because we took a scenic route (Memorial Drive) and saw lots of people running. Parking was cheap and easy and went inside to get our tickets and enter the building. Since we had 30 minutes to spare we entered a nice empty red carpeted room where we danced (badly XD) and kissed and cuddled.
The Hobby Center for Performing Arts is my new favorite place. The theatre had gender neutral restrooms in every floor that were always available and employees were very genderqueerish with females wearing tuxes XD. After being called in, the show started and we were greeted by sense indulgence. This was my first musical attendance and really enjoyed it. The live music was amazing; the sound quality of the theatre was excellent. There was lots of Spanglish, singing and dancing. The lighting was really entertaining too and featured acts of day, night, sunsets and even an indoor party with a blackout (the first moments we thought it was a real blackout XD).
The show ended at around 10:30 and cutie took me home. All in all, these six months concluded with a great day with Nicole. I experienced a state of euphoria with Nicole when we were at the Founder’s Room and couldn’t even hold my tears away. These had been an amazing six month relationship where I have learned so much about loving another person. I even learned that I could love myself because I am so happy when I am with Nicole. At first I thought that I would never be able to love and be loved until I transitioned or until I was full time but cutie proved me wrong. Usually I hear people in the trans community be mad about their life situation and say things like “I am so unlucky to be like this, why can’t I be just normal?” They are wrong. Today I can say that I am the luckiest woman and I won’t take things for granted. Thank you Nicole, my love, for teaching me how to live with a smile and joy in my heart.
Hey livejournal, I am back from a writing hiatus after my short introduction :P I had been thinking lately to start writing more often about my life experiences and what things are going through my mind. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by so many things that I consider this to be a good thing for me.
Anyway, I have a weird life that a lot of people don’t get to experience. I am still living with my parents and had been looking for employment for a little bit over a year. On 2009, I was invited to about 5 interviews so far from biomedical researcher to science teacher but I didn’t hear back from them. It seems that everything goes great with my application and credentials and qualifications, but every time they ask me about my US work authorization it seems like the door closes for me as this puts additional bureaucratic burden and investment in the employers part in order for me to get hired here in the US. Oh well, I blame it on the “recession” even though I know is not. Sometimes I think that I am being subject of discrimination of some sort but I don’t want to think that way since I like to think that I am in control of the things that I can change hopefully to improve myself and not become subject to victimization.
On a more positive note, last year was the year that I officially started hormone replacement therapy, prescribed by Dr. J. Garza at the HACS clinic in Houston with a fairly low dosage to be safe but with satisfactory results so far. It’s been a little over a year now and I like the subtle effects they have had in my body and mind. I have decent breast growth which is great but still small for my big body frame and small enough that I can hide under clothes when I am still presenting as male. *sighs, the closet sucks big time* My skin is softer and body hair seems to re-grow slower than pre-HRT. I am more aware of my emotions now as well which seem to be a good thing since I had always internalized everything. Lastly, my weight has been stable for the most part since I’ve been working out to manage my weight but I’ve seen a considerable change in body shape, not where I want to be but enough to notice it.
Last year I also met my sweetie Nicole, Boy I feel like I am in the clouds when I am with her. I love her so much. She means so much to me and I also have a profound admiration to her since she is so smart, lovely and cute. Our relationship seems great and going stronger with time but I sometimes feel like I am falling short because of my current situation. Maybe I am totally wrong but I feel like I can’t offer my sweetie anything to the relationship. I am a trans woman of color (as she calls me sometimes heehee), unemployed, in the closet and undocumented immigrant. All I can give her right now is the most profound love from deep in my heart.
Transition-wise I think I’m stuck. While I am on HRT and experiencing physical and social changes, I can’t ignore the fact that nothing has changed at home and in my career/personal life. I like to think that things are going to be better as soon as I find a job that sponsors my work visa to stay legally in the US and that I would be able to hopefully move out to my own place (and hopefully with Nicole!) and get out of bad debt. I like to think that I would be able to transition legally as well by changing my name and documents, but as for now it seems like it will be forever for me to achieve. If anything I worry more about coming out at home right now and I kind of set a mental goal for this year.
Currently, my activities are walk the neighbor’s dog (which earns me $40 each month), play racquetball when I can go to the gym, learn more classical guitar solos and drive around as my brother’s and mom’s chauffer. I know… lame. The only real thing going on in my life is my relationship with Nicole. Today we went to eat at Baba Yegas and had a yummy 12 oz steak, I had salad and sweetie had fries which I always steal because of my perpetual desire of having sauce in my life. We thought that we were going to have a meeting with the Helping Transgender Anonymous group but it turned out to be a social dinner thing. We met mostly with older trans women which was cool, we didn’t talk much though as we don’t know them well yet but hopefully that’ll change in the near future. It seems that we will be going to the MUSE concert this Thursday at the Toyota Center so yay for that. Allright I think that seems enough for me for tonight, I promise you, livejournal tree, to keep you refreshed with new word nutrients more often from now on.