Hey livejournal, I am back from a writing hiatus after my short introduction :P I had been thinking lately to start writing more often about my life experiences and what things are going through my mind. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by so many things that I consider this to be a good thing for me.
Anyway, I have a weird life that a lot of people don’t get to experience. I am still living with my parents and had been looking for employment for a little bit over a year. On 2009, I was invited to about 5 interviews so far from biomedical researcher to science teacher but I didn’t hear back from them. It seems that everything goes great with my application and credentials and qualifications, but every time they ask me about my US work authorization it seems like the door closes for me as this puts additional bureaucratic burden and investment in the employers part in order for me to get hired here in the US. Oh well, I blame it on the “recession” even though I know is not. Sometimes I think that I am being subject of discrimination of some sort but I don’t want to think that way since I like to think that I am in control of the things that I can change hopefully to improve myself and not become subject to victimization.
On a more positive note, last year was the year that I officially started hormone replacement therapy, prescribed by Dr. J. Garza at the HACS clinic in Houston with a fairly low dosage to be safe but with satisfactory results so far. It’s been a little over a year now and I like the subtle effects they have had in my body and mind. I have decent breast growth which is great but still small for my big body frame and small enough that I can hide under clothes when I am still presenting as male. *sighs, the closet sucks big time* My skin is softer and body hair seems to re-grow slower than pre-HRT. I am more aware of my emotions now as well which seem to be a good thing since I had always internalized everything. Lastly, my weight has been stable for the most part since I’ve been working out to manage my weight but I’ve seen a considerable change in body shape, not where I want to be but enough to notice it.
Last year I also met my sweetie Nicole, Boy I feel like I am in the clouds when I am with her. I love her so much. She means so much to me and I also have a profound admiration to her since she is so smart, lovely and cute. Our relationship seems great and going stronger with time but I sometimes feel like I am falling short because of my current situation. Maybe I am totally wrong but I feel like I can’t offer my sweetie anything to the relationship. I am a trans woman of color (as she calls me sometimes heehee), unemployed, in the closet and undocumented immigrant. All I can give her right now is the most profound love from deep in my heart.
Transition-wise I think I’m stuck. While I am on HRT and experiencing physical and social changes, I can’t ignore the fact that nothing has changed at home and in my career/personal life. I like to think that things are going to be better as soon as I find a job that sponsors my work visa to stay legally in the US and that I would be able to hopefully move out to my own place (and hopefully with Nicole!) and get out of bad debt. I like to think that I would be able to transition legally as well by changing my name and documents, but as for now it seems like it will be forever for me to achieve. If anything I worry more about coming out at home right now and I kind of set a mental goal for this year.
Currently, my activities are walk the neighbor’s dog (which earns me $40 each month), play racquetball when I can go to the gym, learn more classical guitar solos and drive around as my brother’s and mom’s chauffer. I know… lame. The only real thing going on in my life is my relationship with Nicole. Today we went to eat at Baba Yegas and had a yummy 12 oz steak, I had salad and sweetie had fries which I always steal because of my perpetual desire of having sauce in my life. We thought that we were going to have a meeting with the Helping Transgender Anonymous group but it turned out to be a social dinner thing. We met mostly with older trans women which was cool, we didn’t talk much though as we don’t know them well yet but hopefully that’ll change in the near future. It seems that we will be going to the MUSE concert this Thursday at the Toyota Center so yay for that. Allright I think that seems enough for me for tonight, I promise you, livejournal tree, to keep you refreshed with new word nutrients more often from now on.