I had a long day today. It all began when my mom decided to burn incense throughout the house and praying. I am not talking about the thin sticks of incense that you buy in the stores but I am talking about the type that is commonly used in Catholic church: burning charcoal blocks and a adding a variety of aromatic wood resins and ground seeds. I like the aroma of the incense and I even was helping my mom with the burning and praying, but things changed when she went into my room. My mom opened my closet and placed the incense burner inside so that all my clothes would get smoked, literally. I was kind of bothered by that and I let it go, but then she opened my drawer where I have my underwear and placed the burner there! By that time I was pissed mainly because she just opened my drawers without even asking and because I don't want my underwear to smell like Sunday mass. In addition I kind of freaked out that she would start opening the other drawers and find out where I have my girl clothes and my injectable hormones. I let her know immediately about my discontent and my mom took it as an attack since she was praying and putting positive energy into what she was doing. I told her that she was disrespecting my space and privacy and that I didn't like the smell of incense on my clothes but she became enraged and kicked me out of my own room. I got out angry at her response and I dismissed my fear of her finding my transition related stuff. I told to myself "It is what it is, if she finds something and confronts me it would be time for me to explain things." She finished doing her thing and got out of my room but didn't say a word.
I had neglected picking up the mail at our box for about two weeks now and found out today when I went to pick it up that the mail was returned to their senders. I guess I am the only one that picks up the mail even though none of the correspondence is directed at me. I guess I'll ask the post office about it tomorrow.
Later in the day cutie picked me up and went to eat burgers at Fuddruckers. After dinner, we went to Walmart to buy Jenga to play at Ohka's. Then we went to Wallgreen's to get some cutie candy and I bought a new pair of plaid-styled black flip-flops since I broke the green ones I was wearing. I also exchanged a mousse concealer that I bought a couple of weeks ago but chose the wrong skin tone and the cashier was really cool and didn't make a big deal out of it and was able to get the correct one. Finally, we went to Ohka's place to hang out with her.
I had fun at Ohka's, we played Jenga and managed to build a 32-story tower. The end is always so dramatic because it was really unstable and I had to take difficult pieces from the middle that had structural weight support. However I used my amazing tapping skills XD to remove these difficult pieces and left Ohka with an incredible loose structure that fell on her turn. It's been a long time since I've played a board game and enjoyed it.
The 32 story Jenga tower before its collapse
The wimpy base :P
Ohka trying to figure out the last move
i was running out of choices :P
Amazing cutie concentrating
We then watched Star Wars Episode II. I liked the movie even though the characters where arrogant at times :P My mom called my cell in the middle of the movie and yelled at me about the post office incident. I was all calm enjoying the movie and she managed to get some arguments from me but then we just hung up on each other.
Cutie brought me back home at 12am and I could feel the tension from my family. They were barely eating the soup I made a couple of days ago and were about to engage in an argument. My mom started yelling and demanded that we respect her. She disliked that I interrupted her prayer in the morning because of the incense incident in my room and because my brother didn't cleaned our puppie's place. She also criticized me for "being someone that I am not". She said that lately I had been acting and expressing myself as if I was trying to emulate Nicole and yelled at me "Be yourself!" It's true that i had been more vocal about expressing myself and that is because i am finally becoming more comfortable doing so. I told my mom that she still doesn't know me that well from making an assumption of who I am and she defended herself with the "I am your mother, I know what you are, what you feel and what you think". Basically she was assigning my identity on her ideals. She told me she watched me grow up and that I will only understand when I become a father. :P Anyway I couldn't agree with her more, I need to be myself! XD I managed to bring down the yells to a conversation and let my mom know of my dislike of her opening my drawers and acknowledged the fact that I neglected checking the mail, but then also made clear that it is something we all have to do, not just my "duty". I had been able to relate more to my mom and understand why she feels so frustrated and angry at everyone. It sounds clicheish, but I don't know if it's because of the way I think now with the effects of estrogen in my brain or because I empathize with her as a woman. Back then it was all about yelling at each other and competing arguments, but now i try to be more empathetic towards everyone and don't take things too personal. My mom was even discrediting my dad's parenting abilities because "he is not in the house" and I caught her right there and pointed it out that she is being unfair. The three things that i learned from this conversation: I need to be more of myself, check the mail more often and empathy does wonders in a heated argument.
I just wondered throughout the whole arguing with my mom, does she really know what's going on in my mind and how I identify myself? My identity has changed so much and is always changing dynamically that even myself have stopped trying to have a close mindset of who I am, I don't understand why other persons would do that to me.
Yumi's Perplex Mind
- Jenga, Star Wars Episode II & Identity Fights