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Jenga, Star Wars Episode II & Identity Fights
trans, bob, yumi, brown dress
I had a long day today. It all began when my mom decided to burn incense throughout the house and praying. I am not talking about the thin sticks of incense that you buy in the stores but I am talking about the type that is commonly used in Catholic church: burning charcoal blocks and a adding a variety of aromatic wood resins and ground seeds. I like the aroma of the incense and I even was helping my mom with the burning and praying, but things changed when she went into my room. My mom opened my closet and placed the incense burner inside so that all my clothes would get smoked, literally. I was kind of bothered by that and I let it go, but then she opened my drawer where I have my underwear and placed the burner there! By that time I was pissed mainly because she just opened my drawers without even asking and because I don't want my underwear to smell like Sunday mass. In addition I kind of freaked out that she would start opening the other drawers and find out where I have my girl clothes and my injectable hormones. I let her know immediately about my discontent and my mom took it as an attack since she was praying and putting positive energy into what she was doing. I told her that she was disrespecting my space and privacy and that I didn't like the smell of incense on my clothes but she became enraged and kicked me out of my own room. I got out angry at her response and I dismissed my fear of her finding my transition related stuff. I told to myself "It is what it is, if she finds something and confronts me it would be time for me to explain things." She finished doing her thing and got out of my room but didn't say a word.

I had neglected picking up the mail at our box for about two weeks now and found out today when I went to pick it up that the mail was returned to their senders. I guess I am the only one that picks up the mail even though none of the correspondence is directed at me. I guess I'll ask the post office about it tomorrow.

Later in the day cutie picked me up and went to eat burgers at Fuddruckers. After dinner, we went to Walmart to buy Jenga to play at Ohka's. Then we went to Wallgreen's to get some cutie candy and I bought a new pair of plaid-styled black flip-flops since I broke the green ones I was wearing. I also exchanged a mousse concealer that I bought a couple of weeks ago but chose the wrong skin tone and the cashier was really cool and didn't make a big deal out of it and was able to get the correct one. Finally, we went to Ohka's place to hang out with her.

I had fun at Ohka's, we played Jenga and managed to build a 32-story tower. The end is always so dramatic because it was really unstable and I had to take difficult pieces from the middle that had structural weight support. However I used my amazing tapping skills XD to remove these difficult pieces and left Ohka with an incredible loose structure that fell on her turn. It's been a long time since I've played a board game and enjoyed it.

The 32 story Jenga tower before its collapse

The wimpy base :P

Ohka trying to figure out the last move

i was running out of choices :P

Amazing cutie concentrating

We then watched Star Wars Episode II. I liked the movie even though the characters where arrogant at times :P My mom called my cell in the middle of the movie and yelled at me about the post office incident. I was all calm enjoying the movie and she managed to get some arguments from me but then we just hung up on each other.

Cutie brought me back home at 12am and I could feel the tension from my family. They were barely eating the soup I made a couple of days ago and were about to engage in an argument. My mom started yelling and demanded that we respect her. She disliked that I interrupted her prayer in the morning because of the incense incident in my room and because my brother didn't cleaned our puppie's place. She also criticized me for "being someone that I am not". She said that lately I had been acting and expressing myself as if I was trying to emulate Nicole and yelled at me "Be yourself!" It's true that i had been more vocal about expressing myself and that is because i am finally becoming more comfortable doing so. I told my mom that she still doesn't know me that well from making an assumption of who I am and she defended herself with the "I am your mother, I know what you are, what you feel and what you think". Basically she was assigning my identity on her ideals. She told me she watched me grow up and that I will only understand when I become a father. :P Anyway I couldn't agree with her more, I need to be myself! XD I managed to bring down the yells to a conversation and let my mom know of my dislike of her opening my drawers and acknowledged the fact that I neglected checking the mail, but then also made clear that it is something we all have to do, not just my "duty". I had been able to relate more to my mom and understand why she feels so frustrated and angry at everyone. It sounds clicheish, but I don't know if it's because of the way I think now with the effects of estrogen in my brain or because I empathize with her as a woman. Back then it was all about yelling at each other and competing arguments, but now i try to be more empathetic towards everyone and don't take things too personal. My mom was even discrediting my dad's parenting abilities because "he is not in the house" and I caught her right there and pointed it out that she is being unfair. The three things that i learned from this conversation: I need to be more of myself, check the mail more often and empathy does wonders in a heated argument.

I just wondered throughout the whole arguing with my mom, does she really know what's going on in my mind and how I identify myself? My identity has changed so much and is always changing dynamically that even myself have stopped trying to have a close mindset of who I am, I don't understand why other persons would do that to me.

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I also enjoyed our game last night and having y'all over again. I have to win one of these games we all play someday. My competitive nature's pride is taking some punches lol.

Families can be stubborn. Especially moms, and especially my mom too. I have learned over the years it is best to not argue with her too much, and my life will be easier (usually when we argue it is over stupid, little things). My sister Kate defies her the most of all of us (well, lately my brother too). You have to pick and choose your battles I have learned. I may have grown weak over the years, but it keeps conflict to a minimum.

I just hope your family drama does not get too bad, and just be careful what battles you pick and choose and how you fight them when the time comes.

Hee I really thought I was going to loose since I had the hard to remove blocks :P We'll see next time, the cool thing is that we are all competitive and makes games a lot of fun.

I know! Geeze, my brother has been super bad with my mom to the point that he disrespects her. Once that happens everything is lost and the discussions become yelling at each other.

I used to think just like you and just let my mom win all the time and us just complying and obeying, dictatorship style. The bad thing is that in the long run we didn't fix anything and eventually would go back to yelling again. When we argue, I noticed that everyone wants to change each other. So what I've changed lately within myself is stop thinking that we are fighting or battling and express myself in more articulate and diplomatic way. It works in mediating conflict over insignificant things and gets point across.

Also explaining yourself is important. For example my mom told me that I ought to make her mad because I am jerk. I told her that I didn't care about that. She then used my words in her context that i don't care whether she is mad or not, when I actually meant that I don't care to make her mad. The misunderstanding was so bad that she was blinded even though my dad and brother understood what I was trying to say. I am a nice person, the last thing I want to do is to deliberately make someone mad.

Well, the biggest arguments I get with my mom in recent time is about my hair and future (odd 2 things together lol). I have done well in defending my new hair length which she hates my hair now and it is not even that long at all but to her it is. I have made compromises my trimming, but I also did it for work purposes.

My future, well, just she wants me to be more ambitious in life. I think it saddens them to see their once golden child of at least a few years ago, now living alone, no relationship, and low paying job.

I'm sorry that your mom isn't super accepting. But I'm glad that you found some positives in your argument with her.

P.S. You and Nicole are cute together!

Yeah I am sorry too, since I kind of feel that she is going to have a hard time when I come out to her. Oh well that's something we all have to deal with.

Aw thanks! ^.^

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